i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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