I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Ladies don't puke and tell
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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