You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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