I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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