I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
