I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
