Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Randomize
