Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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