You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Randomize
