Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
