I accidentally had phone sex last night
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Sorry my hands just texted you
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
