that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
