All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
