you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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