It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Randomize