Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
