he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
handjob tips. give me some.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
