So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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