I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
