My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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