I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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