Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I still have a little drunk in my system
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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