Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Randomize
