I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
