I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
