I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
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