How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
