Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Randomize