i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
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