i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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