if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Randomize
