who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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