This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
