My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Randomize
