my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize