I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
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