he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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