just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
