so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Randomize
