i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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