So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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