Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Randomize
