i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
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