no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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