I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
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