When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
apparently the secret to your success is patron
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize