We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
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