You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Drunk is a universal language darling
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