Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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