Don't you send me to vm
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
