guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Randomize
