ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
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