Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
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