So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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