I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Randomize
