Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
