God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
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