if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
My day in three words: secret purse cake
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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